


Amidst Chaos

by ChryseisYumi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, M/M, Storms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 19:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5978652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChryseisYumi/pseuds/ChryseisYumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I came here to remind myself that there are things in this world I cannot influence. Or rather, I came outside to come to terms with the fact that not everything is predictable.”</p>
<p>He felt Mike staring at him now, the gaze not exactly heavy, yet still unrelenting against his cheek, burning him despite the water trailing continuously down his face. The wind picked up, chilling their already cold, soaked-through bodies. Neither cared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amidst Chaos

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mybrainproblems](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrainproblems/gifts).



Erwin had wandered to the terrace by pure mistake, his footsteps subconsciously carrying him to the source of the rumbles echoing in what felt like the world’s most hollow depths. The walls of his office had pulsed with the powerful thuds until he couldn’t stand still any longer and left his work in a rush, completely unnerved, wandering around the castle in the darkness, the torches long ago extinguished, trying to collect his thoughts. He had to be thinking straight. Worse things than bad happened when he didn’t.

He opened the doors and stopped in their frame, just out of reach of the unforgiving weather, looking at the rain falling harshly into puddles collecting on the stone floors, the water making tiny streams in the cracks. Beyond the stone rail the green plains looked murky in the distance, their shapes distorted by the sheet of raindrops falling relentlessly from above. The sky was brighter than usual, the stars nowhere to be seen in the wake of the deep grey clouds hiding the heavens from view, thunder occasionally colouring them white as it raged at – something? Someone? He couldn’t shake off the feeling that it was raging at _him_.

Erwin furrowed his brow and stepped into the fray, letting the rain soak through his clothes, his hair, his being, as his limbs found the rail. He grasped it with shaky fingers and breathed in, closing his eyes, feeling water dripping down his nose and chin and into the unknown. He bowed his head and stared into the depths of the forest below that surrounded their base, not really seeing anything, just concentrating on the beating of rain on his hair and back.

Strategies upon strategies assaulted his mind, a twist of plans and different outcomes floating through his thoughts, sorting themselves into place, yet not quite – there were too many gaps; there were always too many gaps. Too many possibilities for failure.

Lightning struck into the ground not far from their castle, illuminating the skies for a fraction of a second. The wind picked up and smarted at his eyes when he locked them onto the location, his brow scrunched up in an attempt to prevent the sting. He stared at nature wreaking havoc, chaos unravelling before his gaze in a mocking echo of his thoughts.

Moments passed; it could’ve been minutes or hours, Erwin honestly would not be able to tell, he was too absorbed in his musings. It was still in the middle of the night though, when a shoulder carefully brushed his and a body settled next to him, that much he realized. Erwin didn’t need to look up to recognize the hand placed on the railing centimetres away from his.

“Commander –”

“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” Erwin cut him off, straightening his back just a bit.

“So are you,” Mike returned, shifting his body in his direction. Erwin looked up, catching Mike’s gaze with his own before turning his eyes away, staring into the darkened horizon where The Wall could still be clearly seen obscuring the rest of the view; pitch black and above it murky grey. They stood there in silence, listening to the thunder, feeling the vibrations and static in the air. Mike was waiting for him, Erwin knew. He tilted his head and sighed.

“I came here to remind myself.” There was a pause, to which Mike only shifted in response, but Erwin knew he was listening; he always listened. Erwin licked his lips. “I came here to remind myself that there are things in this world I cannot influence. Or rather, I came outside to come to terms with the fact that not everything is predictable.”

He felt Mike staring at him now, the gaze not exactly heavy, yet still unrelenting against his cheek, burning him despite the water trailing continuously down his face. The wind picked up, chilling their already cold, soaked-through bodies. Neither cared.

“I can only do so much, only predict so much, yet I am relied on to make everything okay, to make everything go as smoothly as possible.” Erwin continued as a flash illuminated them, painting everything white. He felt exhaustion creeping up his back, mixing well together with the anxious mess in his chest. The next words left him in almost a whisper.

“I’m sending people out to die, Mike. That’s the only true prediction I can make. Everything else is … is like this storm – erratic and deadly if you tread wrongly.” A pause and a shaky exhale followed. “What if I am making us tread wrongly?”

A palm clasped his on the rail, squeezing his freezing hand slightly. Mike was already looking at him when he glanced in his direction. “We know you cannot predict everything,” he started, brow furrowing as he thought about how to say what he wanted to say. Erwin tensed his shoulders in reflex.

“Everyone here is here despite the risks because we’re willing to try and make a change,” Mike quietly rumbled, swiping at his hair with his other hand to push it away from his eyes before waving in the direction of the sky. “The storm may be unpredictable to us, but the outcome is at times more fruitful than if it had not happened. Without these storms our crops would not survive after all. That is what we hope for; we hope the crops are the outcome. Remember that.”

“That doesn’t make me any less responsible,” Erwin countered, but his hand remained where it was; he took the small comfort, using it to ground himself. Mike’s palm felt hot against his skin, his warmth seemingly coursing out of him at exactly that spot, just for Erwin.

“Nothing is keeping us from leaving.”

“Most of them are just _kids_ for goodness’ sake,” Erwin snapped with a raised voice, tearing his gaze away to try and compose himself.

“They are no more children than you and I were, and we’re both still here,” Mike replied and let go, gripping Erwin’s forearm instead. He turned Erwin around so that they were facing one another and gripped the man’s shoulders with determined fingers. “Just like them, we made the choice. Don’t undermine them just because they’re young.” His grip slackened on Erwin’s coat. “Most of those kids grew up long ago.”

Erwin clasped at Mike’s wrist, preventing him from moving. He blinked the raindrops away from his eyelashes and stared intently at Mike’s chin, breathing laboured as he tried to collect himself. He slowly stepped into Mike’s space and let his head fall, allowing his words to settle into his mind, processing what all was said, and through the thick haze of panic he finally felt himself somewhat settling down. He stayed there for a bit longer than was necessary, drinking Mike’s calm energy in, charging himself for what was to happen come morning. The wind cut unforgivingly into their shivering forms by the time he let go of his companion, their hair and clothes plastered to their skin.

“We should head inside,” Mike murmured, letting his arms fall to his side, “You’re trembling.”

Erwin nodded and breathed in deeply, letting his demeanour settle back into place as he turned around, glancing at the crying skies for a second before making his way into the castle hallway where he paused, clenching his eyes shut. A cold shock hit his body, all the warmth completely deserting him, leaving only sorrow in its wake. He took in a breath and straightened his back, shifting on his heels and grasping the terrace doors. His gaze travelled along the empty floors as he closed the doors behind him, one by one, the creaking hinges the only other sound aside from his breathing and the muted storm raging on outside.

He lingered at the entrance, hand splayed on the damaged wood, his eyes tracing the indents before his face. Then he pulled another deep breath into his lungs and turned, trekking puddles of water behind him as he left for his sleeping quarters, leaving the terrace behind him, his footsteps echoing solemnly from the stone walls, lonely, alone, no other step heard but his own.

‘ _Thank you, my friend_ ,’ Erwin thought as he passed countless empty rooms, his feet stopping before the one besides his own. He rubbed at his face with his only palm and forced himself to carry on, ‘ _But you’re wrong about one thing. I’m still here._ ’ He entered his room and shut it closed with a soft click.

“You’re not.”

**Author's Note:**

> ... I'm sorry :')
> 
> I have a [tumblr](http://leviismybitch.tumblr.com/). I'm always happy to make new friends and chat!


End file.
